Go Together

It is easy for me to focus on work.
It is easy for me to be myopic (one of my grad school professors said this to me about a paper I wrote and I had no idea what it meant. After pondering the definition and what it meant, I use it whenever I get the chance:)
Sitting still.
Being quiet.
Just being, is often hard for me.
I don't want my life to breeze by.
I am working on really knowing what I want.
What is my truth.
When my day comes, what imprint do I want to have made on the people in my life?
What truly is my joy.
And the answer is love.
And the apex of that, where this really is most important, is loving my husband and my son.
I want to believe that my son will turn out fine no matter what small choices I make. That in essence I am a good mother.
And on many levels I know it is true. But I have a little voice inside that tells me, that there are areas where I could go from good to great. And most of all that doing so, will bring me, and those I love, so much peace, joy and contentedness.

More and more I see areas where I have a choice. How much time, how much thought will I put toward loving my family. This is hard to write, because I am afraid it will appear that I am completely self absorbed and never there for my family. I am there for my family, but often I do things because I think I should or that they are the right thing to do, rather than feel joy in doing them. Relaxing and really enjoying it.

The past year or so I get up early enough (5:15am) to get ready for the day before my son wakes up, so that when he wakes up I can hang out with him, eat breakfast together, read books and sometimes even play. Prior to this past year, I woke up just as he did and spent the whole morning rushing around frantic like a tornado, maybe sitting and eating breakfast together but thinking of my to do list while doing it. Most of the time he was late to preschool and I saw that it was really stressing him out. The time I have put aside has really brought joy into our mornings.

After walking Trey to the bus I come home and I get right to work. Sometimes when I feel isolated I will hop on face book or email/call friends. But almost daily I am not ready to end my work day when Trey gets home. I keep stealing moments, minutes, sometimes longer to get more work done. Then before I know it I am scrambling to make dinner, I am hungry, Trey is hungry, and when my husband gets home I am exhausted and fried. After dinner and clean up, while my husband is spending time with Trey and getting him ready for bed I hop on my computer again, just to do a "few things" and before I know it it is 8:30-9:30-10:00 and then because I want to see Terry I go downstairs to watch some TV with Terry, even though I know I really need to go to sleep.

More and more since school has started, I don't do any work from when Trey gets home at 3:30 until dinner at 6. This brings me such joy. Now I want to look at not getting on the computer for one more thing after dinner. To allow my work day to end at 3:30. To relax a bit and spend some time with Terry before I am exhausted and need to be in bed.

It will be hard at first to adjust. It will force me to prioritize and make choices.

I don't want to be frantic, overwhelmed and always pushing myself past my limits. I don't want to be always thinking of ways to steal moments for one more work thing. Those moments are being stolen from my family. I can do great work-just maybe less of it. **As I write this I have to add that I have the luxury right now to choose how I spend this time. I am looking at the big picture of what I have to work with, what I feel is important as opposed to what my actions say are important. I feel blessed to have the flexibility with my work to choose.

My husbands birthday is coming up. While editing and pondering what I can do for his birthday that he would really enjoy, this song came on, and I was brought to tears it was so perfect for where my thoughts are today...

Jillian Edwards - Go Together from Clint Brock on Vimeo.

Losing ones marbles

It amazes me how in sync me and my little one are. This week both figuratively and literally both of us have been carefully lining up all our marbles, hoping for things to go smoothly and just as we want, yet no matter how hard we try... sometimes there is a little wobble or a unintentional bump and we lose that balance and down they go.

Luckily I have held it together a little better than he. I mean geeze we all lose our marbles sometimes but we can't all lie on the floor and have a fit. Or can we?

Perfection

Just got my copy of The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are in the mail yesterday. I have only read the preface so far (I read for a little bit right before bed) and I am head over heels for this book, and Brene! She has a blog that I cannot wait to read!

Do you dress differently depending on how you feel?

I definitely do. When I am all business I dress more plain, and when I start tapping more into my emotions and creativity I find that I have more fun getting dressed. Today it is raining and I will be editing all day, but I woke up and put on my new favorite dress, and purple sparkles on my lids, just for me. My husband let out a chuckle when he came down to the kitchen this morning. I think the socks look better peeking out of my boots;)

I am now going to blare some music and edit away.

xo

*I hate to shop and don't go very often. I am loving these footless tights and socks I found at H&M on a rare shopping trip I took with my friend Sam a couple weeks ago. I especially love them with my black high boots. And this has to be the most comfortable dress I have ever had. It even has pockets! My friend Cal from Hodge Podge made it! If you like beautiful comfortable clothes check out her etsy. She also has a great book for making your own clothes.

I took this photo on vacation with my boys last month. It tugs at my heart. There are parts blown out and the noise from using high iso shouts obscenities at me, but I love it anyway. It is the first picture in a long while that has what I have been longing to feel when I look at my images but can't seem to manifest, through all the rule following and ideas of perfection I have ruling my brain most of the time.

It gives me hope and brings me to tears. Because there is a part of me I stopped listening to. I don't know when or why I stopped listening but I did. It is this creative voice that started me on the path I am on and I feel a deep need to encourage this voice. Yet it seems counter productive to establishing a business where clients know what to expect. If my work keeps evolving who is to say they will like what I create for them. I think this is why I stopped listening to the voice that encouraged me to really explore, to take risks.

There are so many blessings in my career right now, yet I feel frustrated, tired and burnt out. The pressure to make money, to please clients who I want nothing more than to love, I mean love the images they pay me to create, and the business aspects that require so much energy to stay on top of is weighing on my soul.

So today after meeting one big deadline only to be faced with lots of client work, I took a moment to revel in this image that reminds me that the voice is there, I just have to find the courage and conviction to follow it...

Monday Morning

Yesterday I came back from being away for 4 days. It was our 12 year wedding anniversary yesterday. Today was the beginning of little T's second week of Kindergarten. It was a wonderful day yesterday but this morning we had a bit of a rough start.

We had to ride our bikes to the bus stop, so we wouldn't miss the bus.

Once he got on the bus, in comfy clothes and with a packed lunch and snack, I had to get both bikes back home. The solution? I rode my bike with one hand, while holding his with the other. This was one wobbly ride, and a perfect metaphor for our morning.

Came back to the kitchen:

A: Half a roll I ripped apart in desperate attempt to find something resembling a sandwich that he would be willing to eat for lunch. Regular bread/sandwiches just wouldn't do and I am sad to say this half roll no longer sounded appealing to him once I had it in my hand.

B: On the 4 hr ride back from Squam Art workshops yesterday, I noticed my eyebrows were in complete disarray so this morning I attempted to tame them. You know it is just so important to have groomed eyebrows for the bus driver. I sometimes get sidetracked...

C: Breakfast dishes- we did have a lovely breakfast together:)

D: After a million lunch ideas were rejected I started begging for him to take anything. He finally agreed to chocolate covered raisins- they are a teeny bit healthy right?

E:Little T felt tortured by the seam in his socks- so this new pack of 8 will be returned, eventually.

F: One minute before heading out to walk to the bus, little T decided that his shirt looked like a pj shirt, this was after 20 minutes of clothes drama upstairs earlier. I ran upstairs and came down with multiple options-these are the rejects.

G:Trail mix- option for lunch turned down.

F: How about cereal for lunch? Nope.

How was your monday morning?