Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Go Together

It is easy for me to focus on work.
It is easy for me to be myopic (one of my grad school professors said this to me about a paper I wrote and I had no idea what it meant. After pondering the definition and what it meant, I use it whenever I get the chance:)
Sitting still.
Being quiet.
Just being, is often hard for me.
I don't want my life to breeze by.
I am working on really knowing what I want.
What is my truth.
When my day comes, what imprint do I want to have made on the people in my life?
What truly is my joy.
And the answer is love.
And the apex of that, where this really is most important, is loving my husband and my son.
I want to believe that my son will turn out fine no matter what small choices I make. That in essence I am a good mother.
And on many levels I know it is true. But I have a little voice inside that tells me, that there are areas where I could go from good to great. And most of all that doing so, will bring me, and those I love, so much peace, joy and contentedness.

More and more I see areas where I have a choice. How much time, how much thought will I put toward loving my family. This is hard to write, because I am afraid it will appear that I am completely self absorbed and never there for my family. I am there for my family, but often I do things because I think I should or that they are the right thing to do, rather than feel joy in doing them. Relaxing and really enjoying it.

The past year or so I get up early enough (5:15am) to get ready for the day before my son wakes up, so that when he wakes up I can hang out with him, eat breakfast together, read books and sometimes even play. Prior to this past year, I woke up just as he did and spent the whole morning rushing around frantic like a tornado, maybe sitting and eating breakfast together but thinking of my to do list while doing it. Most of the time he was late to preschool and I saw that it was really stressing him out. The time I have put aside has really brought joy into our mornings.

After walking Trey to the bus I come home and I get right to work. Sometimes when I feel isolated I will hop on face book or email/call friends. But almost daily I am not ready to end my work day when Trey gets home. I keep stealing moments, minutes, sometimes longer to get more work done. Then before I know it I am scrambling to make dinner, I am hungry, Trey is hungry, and when my husband gets home I am exhausted and fried. After dinner and clean up, while my husband is spending time with Trey and getting him ready for bed I hop on my computer again, just to do a "few things" and before I know it it is 8:30-9:30-10:00 and then because I want to see Terry I go downstairs to watch some TV with Terry, even though I know I really need to go to sleep.

More and more since school has started, I don't do any work from when Trey gets home at 3:30 until dinner at 6. This brings me such joy. Now I want to look at not getting on the computer for one more thing after dinner. To allow my work day to end at 3:30. To relax a bit and spend some time with Terry before I am exhausted and need to be in bed.

It will be hard at first to adjust. It will force me to prioritize and make choices.

I don't want to be frantic, overwhelmed and always pushing myself past my limits. I don't want to be always thinking of ways to steal moments for one more work thing. Those moments are being stolen from my family. I can do great work-just maybe less of it. **As I write this I have to add that I have the luxury right now to choose how I spend this time. I am looking at the big picture of what I have to work with, what I feel is important as opposed to what my actions say are important. I feel blessed to have the flexibility with my work to choose.

My husbands birthday is coming up. While editing and pondering what I can do for his birthday that he would really enjoy, this song came on, and I was brought to tears it was so perfect for where my thoughts are today...

Jillian Edwards - Go Together from Clint Brock on Vimeo.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Losing ones marbles

It amazes me how in sync me and my little one are. This week both figuratively and literally both of us have been carefully lining up all our marbles, hoping for things to go smoothly and just as we want, yet no matter how hard we try... sometimes there is a little wobble or a unintentional bump and we lose that balance and down they go.

Luckily I have held it together a little better than he. I mean geeze we all lose our marbles sometimes but we can't all lie on the floor and have a fit. Or can we?